Make a Commitment to Yourself Right Now

August 29, 06

“Make a commitment to yourself right now that you will not stop, that you will respect yourself enough to give it all you got.”

That’s what the KOTC fighter said as we were jogging around the room at the end of practice getting ready to bust our asses through conditioning. Something about the way he said it made it seem like he wasn’t just trying to motivate us, like he was speaking from experience that hard work paid off if you made it pay off. He’s not that big really, shorter than me, weighed 140 in high school. I know he wouldn’t lie to us, and I know that something made him able to fight in King Of The Cage, and it wasn’t raw strength or steriods.

Today’s practice wasn’t tough like during hell week, but it was a gut check. After we got done drilling moves, we grouped off by weight and went live from different situation (one guy in on a single leg, one guy flat on his stomach, etc). I’m good at leg-riding, but at this level, so is everyone else. I wrestled a guy who was taller and lankier than me, he rode like a shoelace pulled too tight, impossible to get off you.

Afterwards the team split into two groups, those above 155lbs and those below 155lbs. Light guys partnered up on the mat for a live match, bigger guys ran along the sides and did pushups during the second half of the match. Light guys up, shake hands, wrestle!

Me and my partner shook hands and clinched up. I pushed off and shot for his legs, he sprawled and got around me and I sat out and tried a switch and we ended up back on our feet fighting. He took me down again and the first period ended with him up. Yeah I got beat pretty good. Second period started on the mat, one guy down and one guy on top. Whistle blows.

A lot of guys don’t know how to break the two-on-one hold, where they hold onto one of your forearms with both of their hands. I just put my free hand in between their’s and pry like a lever. Cheap move that works every time. I didn’t get tilted in the second period, but I got pretty worked, that guy knew how to leg ride. Third period, my turn up top.

Top’s always been my best position. The guy’s already down on his knee’s, half the work is done. The first few seconds of top are hardest because its a game of hot hands, who’s quicker. I was able to sink my legs in though, and then he was mine. I could tilt him, hold him, try to turn him, and flatten him out. I held him and turned him for the entire thrid period, and then coach yelled at us to go as hard as we could for the last ten seconds.

We stood up and bam! I let loose and shot the quickest low single I’ve ever felt myself pull off. Smooth, my shoulder barreled against his shin and I got around him and the takedown was mine. From that moment on, I knew that nothing else mattered, not being a girl or being a JV washout, I belonged there.

Little guys turn to run, we ran and then did pushups for the entire second period. I felt myself not going down as low as I wanted to, my lower back is weak and pulls me down. But dammit I banged out those pushups for a minute and half strait, I stayed in pushup position to rest and the pain got unbearable but I just kept doing 4 and 5 at a time, just get them done. Not once did my knees hit (my butt went up in the air a few times but shhhh no one saw that). I saw guys doing pushups on their knees, and yeah I saw the occasional stud do 20 an inch off the ground and a few inches up…and then crash to their stomachs and be unable to move. I think we were all pretty spent.

So we were all beat and practice was done, this week is weight cutting week. I was walking away and my partner, the one whose name I don’t know, slapped me on the back without looking and continued walking.

“I Never Go Easy On You”

August 28, 06
I still don’t know my partner’s name. The guy I carried up the bleachers during Hell Week, we usually pair up now. He came off a freestyle wrestling background, I’m coming from brazilian jiu jitsu.

“Go hard, you know you can.”

You bet I can “heck yeah.”

“I always go hard on you, gives you a chance to get better.”

“Good, don’t go easy on me.”

“I never go easy on you.”

“Thanks.”

“…once in a while I’ll let you have one or two because I’m lazy…”

hahahah

We worked on a lot of mat stuff today. No running, give our legs a chance to build back up after Hell Week. A lot of two-on-one tilts and kimura-turns (I call them kimura turns because their hand is behind their back like a bjj kimura, if you pick it up just a little its a shoulder lock). Done drilling. Pair up. Live wrestling.
College is a lot different than high school. In high school, the only guy who could hold me in a cradle was Jesse, the Varsity heavyweight. No one else could keep me folded in half. Every other time I would always slip out. John Baracat hated when I’d do that, he was the guy I beat out for Varsity 171’s. Here at Cerritos though, everyone has the Cradle locked tight and nailed down. Slipping out is occasional, and it doesn’t work on my partner.

A lot of my old game hasn’t been working either. My whole thing in high school was leg-ridding, sink the legs between theirs on their back and no one could get out, I owned them because I owned their hips (my hips were bigger and stronger than everyone elses, perks of being a girl are wide hips). Here at Cerritos, people are smart, they won’t fight my hips, they’ll go strait for my hooked ankles and UNHOOK them by hand (of all the nerve they’re supposed to struggle and flop around and let me score riding points, how rude).

Its good though. No one is cutting anyone any slack here, everyone’s mission is to get better, taking slack is only cheating ourselves.

The Shootfighting gym I used to go to had a lot of good guys who wrestled hard in it. I tapped a lot of them out with basic stuff. Later I realized they weren’t going full speed with me because if I tapped them, they could say that “the girl” only beat them because they weren’t trying (“Imaging how hard of a time she’d have if I were trying”).

I left that gym. Now I think I’m in the right place.

I Made It Through Cerritos Wrestling Hell Week

August 24, 06
Day 1

A former Cerritos Wrestler who now fights in KING OF THE CAGE came down to condition us in the room. We sprawled and we shot and we sprawled into a shot and sprawled some more and we jump squatted and did pushups and pushups and pushups until no state champ in the room had anything left.

Then we partnered up and did buddy exercises. First, guy on your back in a firemans carry and you did 10 squats then switch. Second, pick your partner up in a baby-carry and squat and curl him all the way until his belly button was in your face 20 times and switch.

Then slam drills. They’re not really slam drills because you’re not supposed to slam in collegiate, but damn everyone was slamming and I got bashed through the floor. Gotta get up though.

Day 2

12 100meter sprints, 4 200meter sprints, 1 400meter balls to the walls.

4 groups were assembled by weight and placed at quarter intervals on the messed up soft sand track of the nearby high school that we all had to hop the high fence to get to (God forbid they run us at the nice cerritos all weather track). First group spints to second group, second sprints to third group, third group spints to 4th group and so on until each group had gone around the track 3 times. When the last groups reaches you, you’re going, no waiting. It was a lot harder than it sounds.

Day 3

30 FUCKING BUDDY CARRY’S UP THE BLEACHERS!

Muthr F-er WTF! Pair up with someone your weight (in my case 155lbs…that like the bar+2×45 barbells+a 10 and a 5 on each side on my back) and carry them piggy back up the bleachers 30 times as fast as you can. You go up once, you both walk down, switch. Holy shit I don’t know how I made it thru that. By NUMBER 2 I was like “omg these are so hard how am I going to make it to 30?!” I made it.

Day 4

15 laps around the soccer field. Cones set up at 50 meter intervals. Rep is Sprint, Jog, Walk, Jog, Sprint, pushups pullups or dips at the far corner, continue. Afterwards, Stadiums and Stadiums and Stadiums.

Okay I can’t move. Muscles that I didn’t even know existed hurt. I was seriously afraid that I was going to get injured very badly, my quads felt like they were going to snap any second. I doubt any of this was safe. All in all I did about 135 pushups, I won’t count the last two sets because they were kinda sloppy.

Day 5

A compilation of everything we’ve done. 2 laps worth of quarter group sprints; 8 laps where one lap was 1 stadium and a sprint around the far straitaway of the track (we had to hop the railing to get to the bleachers); 12 buddy carry’s up the bleachers and one burn out sprint around the entire track.

Okay by this time I’m betting on my leg muscles snapping at any second. Everyone felt the same way as me though. My legs felt like the sinews were snapping like guitar strings one by one and my hamstrings felt like someone was stabbing them with knife. I was certain I was going to get hurt today. Hurt I did, Injured–by some miracle no.

“Good Job Girl”

August 24, 06

We finished the last day of Cerritos Wrestling Hell Week today. I did absolutely horrible because my legs had nothing left. 5 days of just strait out having my lower body broken down like the coach said he would and I seriously started thinking about quitting. I hated that thoughts of giving up were in my head, and the frustration made me all the more weaker. I struggled doggedly through the run and the stadiums and the buddy carry’s and fell behind and it was almost as if my legs weren’t even the reason I was lagging anymore, it was almost as if I didn’t even care anymore. My heart had nothing left and it just wasnt fair. I was so frustrated that I had been hanging okay all week and then on the last day I break. All I kept thinking was that it wasn’t fair how I wasn’t in shape enough to keep up with these veteran wrestlers for one more day and that it was all my fault and I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to cry, but you can’t cry, that’s just stupid.

Half the people were already finished their buddy carry’s up the bleachers by the time I started mine. Sean, my old teammate from high school, hopped on my back and yelled at me to get my ass up those stairs. “C’mon Nicole, remember all those ass holes at Warren High who used to make fun of you?” I fell once. I got back up and he got me up those steps again, “C’mon Nicole, remember all those bastards on the Warren Wrestling team, get up these steps!” I got up those steps.

I felt like I’d decided in my mind that I didn’t make it through hell week. Then again, a lot of guys missed days and some guys just plain didn’t come back. Lots of guys quit, so maybe I’m too hard on myself. I dunno.

All I know is that as I was walking back to the showers, a group of wrestlers passed me and said “good job girl,” I said “thanks.”

I thought I wouldn’t be recieved well by the elite of college athletics, I was certain that no one would give me the time of day if they knew I was a girl, I might have even been run out of the room or ostrasized again like in high school. High School was bad. But if the guys didn’t care or if they didn’t want me there, I guess they wouldn’t be shouting “c’mon don’t quit,” as I’m running.

MY LEGS ARE YELLING AT ME!

August 23, 06
JesusMaryJoshephandhisOtherKids!!!!! I’M IN PAIN!!!

30 BUDDY CARRY’S up the BLEACHERS!!!! My partner was my weight, 155. So I did 30 F-ing bleachers with 155lbs on my back!!!!! We switched off, first he went up, then we both came down, then I went up. Don’t ask me how I got through them because at 3 I was like “ohcrapthishurts how am I going to get through these!?”

I made it and now my legs hate me.

“Why Do You Shave Your Legs?”

August 22, 06

“Hey man, why are your legs shaved??”

I realized right then that I’d goofed. Crap! Guys don’t shave their legs!

“To get a tan.”

Oh man, if they don’t know I’m a girl, now they think I’m gay!

“So you can’t get a tan without shaving your legs…?”

“Not really….” okay gotta think of something better than that, “I’m a swimmer.”

That was good, swimmers always shave their legs. Then again, most swimmer’s are gay!

The guy to my left and the guy to my right looked at each other for a second as if they knew something I didn’t.

“I mean its cool man, I used to shave my legs too, but then I stopped.”

Damn why did I shave my legs? umm, because I’M A GIRL and I think hairy legs are gross even on a guy.

“So what’s your favorite swim?” says the guy to my left.

“The 50meter freestyle.”

“That’s cool, you know the butterfly?”

“I used to be good at the butterfly.”

“It’s hard isn’t it.”

“Yeah, it’s hard to get the hang of.”

Then the convorsation droned off into stretching.

Lesson learned: If I don’t want to be run out of the room, don’t shave your legs.

Aw man, this is gross.

“Hey You’re A Girl Right?”

August 18, 2006

Well, week one of Cerritos Wrestling wasn’t hardly as bad as I thought it would be. Firstly the coach is a nice guy who appreciates hard workers. He’s not looking for punks who are great wrestlers, he’s looking for dedicated, teachable athletes who won’t quit on him. Well I think the bruises on my legs can attest to the fact that I’m not a quitter. Also the wrestlers were all very serious. There weren’t any stupid jock jokes or comments about who fucked whose girlfriend like there is in a high school room. All of these guys had been to CIF to State and back again. Of course I’ve kinda gotten mopped acrossed the mat, but I’m hanging in there…for someone whose only been wrestling for 2 years. As for the whole girl on a guys team thing…most of them still think I’m a guy.

Damn did we wrestle though. Today we went 10 rounds and you got to sit out 2 (I wrestled all 10), and afterwards a guy came in to run us through conditioning. The guy was a former Cerritos Wrestler who now fights in King of the Cage. So we sprawl and we shoot and we jump squat and sprawl some more until every single guy had nothing left, and then we partnered up.

My partner was a short guy who looked like he was about 5′5” but could probably bench 300lbs. He was like the starting 145lb guy (I weighed 149 after practice today, I haven’t weighed 140 since sophomore year of high school). Buddy exercises…aw man those hurt.

So you’re supposed to get your partner on your back and do squats with him, then switch, then you hold your partner in front of you like a baby, squat and curl him all the way so his belly buttons in your face. He did 10 with me, and then I did 10 with him just like he did them (maybe I didn’t go quite as low, long legs). Then we did the slam drill (jeez some of this stuff is illegal in mma and we’re drilling it). Guy grabs you from behind and just pops you up with his hip and slams you to the mat, and keeps his hands locked. You get up he does it again fast 10 times. I got slammed hard and I don’t know which hurt more, doing it or having it done on me. Man, that drill was hard.

After I did them, my partner introduced himself. I shook his hand. Then he looked at me and after a short pause, he said “hey you’re a girl right?” I nodded.
“Wow, you’re strong, most girls can’t do a lot of this stuff”

“Thanks.”

Most girls don’t try. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I didn’t want to be the best “girl” at anything because the best girl is assumed to be the worse guy. I can do better than “good for a girl.”

After practice the coach called me over to give me a different physical form. He was sitting next to the King of the Cage fighter who heard him call me Nicole. So the guy said “Nicole,” almost like a question that gets phrased as a statement, with emphasis. I looked over at him, and he looked at me for a second, and then said “good job today” and shook my hand.

I’m not letting any of this go to my head though, I don’t really have anyone’s respect yet, just some people’s attention. And in cases like mine, attention isn’t necisarrily a good thing. I gotta work my ass off.

Wrestling Season Starts Soon

August 5, 2006
Well, Cerritos College Wrestling starts in about a week. Don’t ask me why I’m going out for the team, don’t ask me why I haven’t given up on wrestling. After what happened in high school with wrestling, I’m suprised I haven’t given up on living.

I remember that day like a soldier’s flashbacks. The only girl on the boys wrestling team (me) walked into the room on an arbitrary day and sat down in the same arbitrary spot that the team had chosen for her in the corner. Coach Brogden walked in the room and stood in the center.

“Nicole, go see your counselor.”

“…why?”

“You’ll see when you get there, just go.”

“………what for though?”

“C’mere Nicole, Lemme explain something to you.”

He walked toward the door, I got up and followed while I formed my submission speech in my head (the one that says he’s always right and I’m always wrong and keeps me on the team another day), he opened the door and stepped out, I stepped out, he stepped back in and closed the door on me, and I couldn’t bring myself to go back to high school after that.

I don’t know why I didn’t just quit after that day, I quit a lot of things after that day, even school. Well in case no ones noticed, I’m crazy, and no I’m not guiltless in the long list of accusations against me. I break all the rules without meaning to. I always have an opinion about everything and a sense of justice that unfortunately has a voice of its own. Its not my fault, its in the cosmos! I’m a Gemini (although doctors say I’m Autistic), and everyone knows about Gemini’s and their chaotic personalities. At least after knowing me they do.

But contrary to popular belief, I didn’t join the wrestling team to prove that I could be a boy (that was the football team sophomore year), I joined the wrestling team because it was the hardest thing the school had to offer. More than a challenge, because people take challenges to prove they can do them. I joined the team just to do it, not to prove that I could do it. Is this making any sense to anyone?

Well anyway, I’m a wrestler. I wrestled 160’s in high school and I’m about 5′11”. So I’m one of those tall, lanky wrestlers who leg ride a lot and get taken down easily. I beat the guy who was going to go Varsity 171’s, but I only weighed 165 and couldn’t wrestle up a weight and the 160 guy was the team captain (that guy was an asshole). So so much for my varsity letter. Even so, I came to realize that even if the coach would have let me wrestle, the wrestlers wouldn’t have.

That’s why I didn’t go out for the Cerritos College team last year, I wasn’t coming off a Varsity team and I wouldn’t have been accepted. Its like “hey what place did you get at states?” “Uh I didn’t wrestle at states.” “Okay, what did you place at CIF?” “Uh, I didn’t go to CIF.” “Were you at least on the Varsity Team?” “Um, no not really,” “Then WTF are you doing here?!”

At least that what I thought they’d say, and really, what the heck was I going to do there? Beat a college wrestler for a spot in the lineup?…maybe.

Well the past year that I’ve spent without wrestling has been spent in agony waiting for a purpose in life to come along. My heart keeps going back to wrestling, waiting for the open season to start, or wating for a freestyle tournament, waiting to win some matches. My problem was that I would always freeze up when I got on the mat in a real match. I would kick guys asses in the room, but then step on the mat and it would all swish away like a low single-leg. It sucked.

Well the Cerritos Season is starting soon, and I’m just not ready to give up on wrestling yet. Yes, I’m thinking of going out for the Cerritos College team. I’m a good wrestler, I know I’m not NEARLY good enough to contend at the college level……..but it doesn’t mean I can’t hang. it doesn’t mean I might not get good enough. I’m good at Judo and submission wrestling (mainly b/c it doesn’t matter if you go to your back), but can I cross it over into college style wrestling? Who knows, but the question is should I even try?

I’m thinking that if I go out for the Cerritos team, yeah I’ll get my ass handed to me for like the first few weeks or a month or so, but then I’ll get better. I always do. The problem is that I don’t know if I want to deal with all the bull shit over again. I’m cutting my hair again so that I don’t draw attention when I walk into that room (I pass rather easily), but should I even try?

Then again, will I regret not going out? In 15 years when it doesn’t matter anymore, will I still tell myself I should have….?
I think I’ll be crazy and give this crazy idea a shot.